Monday, September 13, 2010

Bo and Arrow's Rebel Freedom Run: the untold story

Labor day weekend Arrow and I went on an epic adventure filled with miles, blood, turf wars, cannons, and PB&Js. Join us as we regal stories of the Rebel Freedom Run.

Bo: Here we are outside of Arrow's. It's a grand house that he can't really afford so he took up an older mistress a couple of months back who supports him. She's 86 and lives with her daughter because her dementia is a little out of control so she just signs here social security checks over to him. Once you get over the huge age difference and the fact that she never remembers him, they make a pretty cute couple.

Arrow: She has a name Amanda, it's Barbra... and to be fair, it's a purely physical relationship. Our arrangement is mutually beneficial. I don't see whats wrong with that.

Bo: Tell me a little bit about Beast War, Arrow.

Arrow: I'm not sure if I should reference Maximum Overdrive or The Dirtbike Kid.

Bo: Well, maybe we should start by saying that Beast War is the bike... not your leg.

Bo: We made it to the top of this very steady, very long hill to find these kids with their lemonade stand. It was perfect...almost too perfect. Arrow gave them a five spot and in exchange they gave us 2 dixie cups filled to the brim with Country Time lemonade. Needless to say it fell short of being refreshing. Just when I was about to ask for a refill their dog tried to attack Arrow.

Arrow: Not even, that was a cup that the give old people their pills in! My financial adviser told me not to do it but these little bastards are asking to be driven out of business. We start construction this week. It's called RĂªve Tueurs Artisan Lemonade House. We have real cups.

Bo: Arrow, you are a handsome man. One might even say majestic.

Arrow: I'm just as scared of you as you are of me.

Bo: I am not sure if the results have been posted yet, but I won the 2010 Peanut Butter Banana Challenge. I am sure you will read it in all the papers. Newsweek probably.

Bo: Wow, I am a sexy beast. It's hard, you know... being so attractive. It's not as easy as one would think. I am constantly breaking hearts and turning down movie roles. Arrow, you can relate. What's it like for you being so dapper?

Arrow: Well really it's an investment in my future. I mean I have to comb my hair, like a lot.

Arrow: For as much as I love Beast War, I know he longs for the life he used to live before I brought him in.

Bo:I think it's worth mentioning that pictured above was our first camp site, Prison Camp. Here is where a band of prison escapees set up camp. They were going to live off the grid and start a new life next to their trash pile. We arrived during a tire burning ceremony and Warlock, their leader, challenged us to a duel. Arrow set the stakes high and said if we win the camp is ours.... for good. If we lose we'd have to give them all hand jammers. Of course we won, being that we are kung fu masters. I had to register myself as a deadly weapon. After losing his beloved Prison Camp, Warlock tried to work out a time share arrangement. I kind of felt bad for the guy, but hey... thems the breaks.

Bo: If you would've told me at Prison Camp that just down the road Sam Elliot would be serving me breakfast I would have called you a lying prick, but sure enough, there he was never letting my coffee cup get less than half full. I told him I loved him in Roadhouse. He told us to enjoy our run and gave us a heads up of a water fall up ahead. He said it was a great to pull off and chill.

Arrow: All I could think about was that if it weren't for all of my dumb neighbors, my backyard could be this nice too.

Bo: I think you need some grass first.

Bo: Here's Sam Elliot's waterfall retreat.

Arrow: Nature can really lend you an insight if you let it. Shimano, I think we have an idea why Sram might be edging you out, so we wrote you an ad campaign. Send us money.

Bo: Arrow and I stumbled upon this fine BMX track. Fully loaded, Arrow was shralping the berms and shredding the gnar.

Bo: America stuff.

Bo: Here is the official Pacific Northwest Welcome Wagon.

Arrow: It's one of those viking mini vans. They show up, unload the kids and slash their own tires to let the locals know that they have come to take their manual labor jobs and rent houses formerly occupied by the natives. Native Astorians, not Native Americans

Arrow: This guy was really concerned about bears.

Bo: We gave him chamois cream.

Bo: Tell me what you loved about this guy.

Arrow: He is the ultimate embodiment of an unavoidable death. I wish I was him.
Arrow: I got really excited about this...

Arrow: ...and it simply did not disappoint.

Arrow: Bo did not like this guy. She gets pretty upset when I mention him.

Bo: Dude was so fat he had problems taking a knee to load his gun!!Plus, that is not historically accurate. Supplies were scarce and many soldiers starved. How is it that tubby here, with limited supplies, could tip the scales at 350+? Here he is robbing a fellow confederate soldier. He's probably the Southern Jerky Thief I learned about in history class.

Arrow: You'll get 'em next year guys.

Arrow: It says end of the trail, but it wasn't.

Bo: There was more wind and hills in store for us.

Arrow: Hey, where the hell was the picture of me hugging the confederate flag?

Bo: Next to my nightstand.

Arrow: These probably smelled really good...

Bo: I have a rash.


  1. What did you guys to my mini van????

  2. This is possibly the best piece of cycling journalism I've ever read.

    Thank you so much.